I'm starving.
Did you know that?
The pain in my stomach is piercing. The gnawing , the emptiness, the yearning for nourishment is overwhelming sometimes. The crumbs thrown at me sporadically do not begin to fill that void. Those crumbs hardly give me the energy I need to wake up and face a hectic busy day. I feel myself getting weaker and weaker. Sometimes, it is an effort just to hold my head up.
The well meaning comments that assure me that at some point in the future I will be able to be full, to be satisfied to have all the food I want or need does little to appease the hunger now. It almost seems counterproductive like holding out a gift certificate to a favorite restaurant and while the hunger manifests itself in drooling, being told you cant use it for 20 years and watching it being slipped back into the givers pocket.
I need food. I need nourishment. I can't do all I am asked to do without it! Not with joy- not with enthusiasm- not with empowerment. I go through the motions. I am robotic. I am resentful. I try to forget the need. I try to look back at some distant meal in hopes that memory will be sufficient to give me strength.
I'm starving!
My body is overweight but my spirit is anorexic.
The food I need for sustenance is appreciation, gratitude, the simple acknowledgement of the efforts of being a mother. The food I crave is thoughtfulness! Being respected as a person , being treated as a person and not as a laundress, cook, atm or taxi driver!
I am far from perfect! I am far from the ideal mother!! I know I fall short! I know there are things I regret that can't be undone! But here is the crux of the matter: I do my best! I have always done my best with where I have been emotionally, physically, spiritually and I have adjusted with each fluctuation of those factors!!
Oh! To inhale a compliment like the aroma of a well seasoned and well simmered soup!
Oh! To taste a thank you that lingers upon the tongue in delicious anticipation of swallowing!
Oh! To savor the acknowledgement of an effort or sacrifice like the perfectly grilled steak, juicy & tender!
Oh! To fill up my plate with hugs and kisses and I love you's till it is heaping!
Oh! To be full! To feel satisfied! To sit back and pat my stomach in the happy conclusion of such a meal!
Oh! To not feel the bitterness of regret that I now feel because I starved MY MOTHER!
Mother! IM so sorry! I love you! I am so grateful for all you have done for me and continue to do for me ! I love your faithfullness. I love your perserverance. I'm grateful for the lessons you taught me,the times you listened. I'm sorry so sorry I withheld food from you so often! Please forgive me!
I'm starving
and no mother
deserves to starve!
1 comment:
That one makes me so sad for you!!! I wish I had the eloquence to tell you all the ways I love you and admire you. I do!! I appreciate every meaningful word, every embrace, every tearful moment you have brought me up from a crouched sobbing moment, every fun and exciting memorable adventure, for loving me enough to sacrifice your relationships to rescue me in a lonely, dark time of my life!!! You were there EVERY TIME! This is why I miss you so much! You are one of the mothers that loved me and taught me and guided me! And Uncle Ken was always there to laugh with me to quietly encourage me. I miss sitting and laughing until my guts ached. I miss taking walks with you. I miss being together!!! I LOVE YOU!!!
Post a Comment